The Balad of Petey the Parrot

Watching all of the hoopla about Cardinal McElroy's installment as the Cardinal of Washington, DC has brought to mind one of Fr. Mankowski's brilliant parodies, The Ballad of Petey the Parrot.

If you don't know who Cardinal McElroy is, here's a brief rundown that Grok was kind enough to provide to me:

(If this bores you, skip it. But you don't want to miss Petey the Parrot.)

Allegations of Sexual Abuse Cover-Up

Cardinal McElroy -- who just became has faced accusations of mishandling or covering up sexual abuse cases, particularly during his tenure in San Diego. Key points include:

1. Theodore McCarrick Case:

   • In 2016, Richard Sipe, a former priest and researcher on clergy abuse, sent McElroy a letter detailing allegations of sexual misconduct by then-Cardinal Theodore McCarrick and other bishops. Sipe claimed he met with McElroy to discuss these issues, urging him to forward the information to the Vatican.

   • Critics allege McElroy failed to act on this information, despite McCarrick’s later resignation from the College of Cardinals in 2018 amid confirmed abuse allegations. McElroy has stated he questioned the accuracy of some of Sipe’s claims and lacked specific corroborating evidence to share, suggesting he did not see it as actionable at the time.

2. Jacob Bertrand Case:

   • Rachel Mastrogiacomo, a victim of ritual sexual abuse by Father Jacob Bertrand in 2010, reported the assault to the Diocese of San Diego in 2014. Bertrand, a priest under McElroy’s jurisdiction, later pleaded guilty to criminal sexual conduct in 2018.

   • Mastrogiacomo and others have accused McElroy of covering up the abuse, claiming he did not remove Bertrand from ministry despite the priest’s confession to diocesan officials. She alleges the diocese was uncooperative with police and withheld key files, assertions supported by some documentation she possesses. McElroy’s critics argue this reflects a pattern of protecting abusive clergy.

3. General Criticism:

   • Advocacy groups and some Catholics, including attorneys representing abuse victims, have accused McElroy of prioritizing institutional reputation over accountability. His elevation to cardinal in 2022 and now to Archbishop of Washington, D.C., has fueled claims that the Church rewards bishops despite credible allegations of negligence or cover-up.

   • 
     

And let Leila Miller tell you the story of Rachel Mastrogiacomo.

You are probably wondering why such a man would be promoted to Cardinal of DC. The explanation is an easy one: Francis the Great and Merciful hates Donald Trump with a passion, and he moved McElroy to DC so that McElroy can be a thorn in Trump's paw. A holy intention, I'm sure you'll agree.

Without further ado...

Fr. Mankowski wrote Petey the Parrot in 2006. Sadly, nothing has changed since then.

The Ballad of Petey the Parrot

Petey the Parrot served twenty-one months

On a rap for indecent exposure.

His Bishop paroled him and gave him a perch

On his pear-wood episcopal crosier.

He scolded the skeptics who labeled the bird

Unsuited for pastoral placement:

I"’m giving him charge of the CCD staff

And an office in Barney Frank’s basement.”

Chorus:

Hide the eggs, Gwendolyn, hide the eggs, Tom! 

Hide the eggs, Kate and Kareem!

Petey the sinister Young Adult Minister’s

back on the pastoral team!

With an aawk! and a squawk!

twenty months and you walk,

back on the pastoral team!

Petey was therapized, pampered, prepared,

Pronounced cured by professional weaselsW

Who shortly thereafter were found to have died

From a sorrowful shortage of T-cells.

The cops nearly nabbed him at Cock-à-Two’s Bar

But Petey was just enough quicker

To fly through the window, and home, where he found

He’d been named archdiocesan vicar.

[Chorus]

When the parents complained that his ministry style

Included non-standard relations,

The kindly old bishop asked Petey to screen

First his phone calls, and then his vocations.

It didn’t take long for the entering class

To grow from near thirty to—zero.

Now Petey’s a bishop himself, don’t you know,

And described as “The NCR’s hero.”

(*I found Petey the Parrot here and I am assuming that the reviewer found it in Phil Lawler's Diogenes Unveiled, which I highly recommend for more of Fr. Mankowski's brilliance and snark.)

I wish missing Fr. Mankowski would get easier.

While we're having fun, some kind soul has put together a very long list of answers to the question, "Why don't you like Pope Francis?" For me, Pachamama would have been enough. But some people take a lot of convincing. So here it is.

I think we should all send this link to our cardinals before the conclave, in hopes that they would have mercy on us and spare us from Francis II.

I am offering up my Lent for the conversion and salvation of Pope Francis. Let it be counted unto me as righteousness.